Monday Morning Blues Hit Back - 'The Heart of a Councillor'

To quote Jim Bakker, 'I was wrong.'

I was wrong...about Facebook.

It seems that this tool which I so flippantly branded as a social outlet for wasting time now seems more like to a firebrand in unwieldy hands - it seems to be lighting my path, making it clearer and easier to read than before, and yet my ignorance of its strength may yet burn me in ways that I do not fully understand, but I nontheless anticipate.

Doing something you've never done before, or would never have considering doing in the past really changes your mindset and matures you a lot, and I think this thought really encourages me a lot even as I continue to struggle up this road of many firsts and many pitfalls. I've fallen down several times already on this road.

I can already feel the aches, the pains, the fatigue and the late nights and the rejections getting to me. To be honest, it hurts, inside and outside, and as much as I hate admitting these things I can't ignore them either. But I'm beginning to love it, this pain that makes me think, this pain that makes me grow.

So really, I'd like not only to say that I was wrong about Facebook, but also that really I'd like to thank God for its existence.

I guess today was one of my really low days. The eponymous Monday Morning Blues, to be a little crude, really kneed me hard in my naive and idealistic groin with a real vengeance today, and trust me, it wasn't just my idealism and shame-levels that took the beatings: I guess in many ways my ego and motivation took a lot of it too, and I guess the collective strain of it all, from the time I realized 'I was in' till now, really came crashing on my shoulder today.

Then I went home, and went on Facebook, where two conflicting views emerged before my eyes, as evident as in real life, but yet more vivid: A wave of support and propositioning for votes, and in the corner of the eye a swathe of those who'd taken on a more skeptical, jaded view on Council and on the elections process.

'What is my heart as a Councillor?' and 'Do I believe in Council?' were two questions that I'd always thought I could answer - I did as much in the interview after all: but after really having a taste of what it would take to get in, which in itself would be a foretaste of what waits behind the gates of Council, I realized that answering the questions to myself was one thing, but living out the logical implications of my conclusions was a very different.

If I think it's true, I should do it, shouldn't I? Easier said than done.

If the truth is to be told, I was and am still skeptical of the elections process at least in part, and perhaps that was part of the problem with me these few days. Living with unresolved inner contradiction is, as one modern-day thinker said, really impossibe, and living without confidence really leaves one drained of all strength and motivation.

But I asked myself those questions again as I flipped through the various notes and various states-of-mind of my friends and schoolmates who, like me, felt the cynicism creeping in, and as a result, I think I really came up with a light that I think continues to shine inside me, lighting up this dark night of the soul with a sliver of incandescence that I have yet to have since all this began.

It may sound egotistical to be inspired by oneself, but to be honest, when you're low, anything goes.

'And all the same, I guess as my conclusion the best solution is not something that is perfect, rather, in a world full of imperfections we can only seek a better compromise, and that's really the heart of a Councillor's duty. Let us hope simply that those who get in will work towards this, and that those who do not will nonetheless work towards this goal wherever they may end up serving.'

- Ian on Facebook

I guess it applies to me as much as it applies to Council: In and of myself I can only seek a less messed up compromise than I already am. There will be no perfect Ian, whether he will be Councillor or no. There will only be a better Ian or a worse Ian, and I have resolved that the former is what I'll be, come what may.

There will be no perfect Council result as well; as a matter of fact , as much as I'm prepared to work for as good a result as I possibly can, for both myself and my group, I'm also prepared to accept a disappointment for either or both. In saying disappointment, I confess that I'm not an Iron Man-worthy candidate - it'll definitely be one, and a bitter one at that.

I'll accept the results, good or bad, and if it is the latter, I can only compromise: I'll just shift my goals and dreams of contributing to the school in the fields of academics and my other CCA, my first (and constant) love - Chorale. I'll also just...well, do my best to support and give help to those that get in. Same if I succeeed; my priorities are not to change, because at the end of the day, it's those core principles that are all you've really got.

That's the heart of a Councillor, to make life better for the people in the school who you can impact, and the heart of a real human, to seek imperfect, improving compromises in an imperfect, degraded world.

Speaking of heart, there's really a lot of people I've got to thank from the bottom of mine:

CHORALE PEOPLE! I really wanna thank you all for being so nice to me during this time.

Maybe for those who've known me for ages, I know I'm like the cold fish, the one who never gets emo, the one the who never seems to be sad for himself or anyone else, but I really wanna let you guys know that I've always cared; I just did it in my own way. Maybe sometimes it was the least obvious way, and sometimes it was the worst way, but I really tried. I did.

Most recently, I'm so sorry for not being in Tenor anymore Yishu...I really enjoyed being your SL in Sec 4. Testerossarosterone rush, what can I do? Sigh. Some things just can't be helped, I guess, not like I really wanted to be out of Tenor, even if I was a fake Tenor.

And Guanwei. Guan, Guan, what do I do about you? Whatever there was between us, I just hope you can trust me. Just trust me, man.

As for those who haven't known me that long, yeah, we have a long ways to go yet, and whether I get into Council or not doesn't matter a fig when it comes to my dealings with you all; I'll stick with you guys just cuz you're all really awesome, and as for the rest of the reasons I'll learn them as we go along =3

I'd also have to thank my FAMILY I guess, for being beside me all this time. Funny how you only see things clearly when things come to a head, and then you see who you can count on to guard your back and keep you from falling when you're teetering on the edge. Love you all so much <3333333

And lastly, my eternal and all-powerful Muse and Aegis, GOD. Praise His name for ever and ever, without Him and my seriously day-in-day-out prayers I would've burned out ages ago, what with my mass lobbying of people (seriously every one who ever knew me in Raffles has either already, is currently getting, or will get a call up from me over this thing) and the crazy hours I spent being an Elections Commentator on Facebook (it's not a bad strategy to openforum on Facebook so that people know what you're all about you know, pity I figured it out too late. Future year Councillor wannabes reading this, you know what to do! =D Start wasting your time on Facebook now!)...I think I would have really burnt out already. I really don't know how to start thinking Him, really, but if this is all I can do at midnight, then I know He will accept this as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to him.

So, with this I close another one of my musings about Council.

For all those who are running for Council: JIA YOU! PRESS ON! NO FEAR, NO SHAME, NO SURRENDER!

And God be with us all,

Amen.

A Life of Technicolor Green, Black and White - Ian makes a Wishlist

Well, isn't today a day without precedent.

I'm writing on my blog which no one knows, and there's no sarcastic ramble in it. Not even one joke about myself or anything else I happen to be angry with today.

There's nothing to be angry about today, it seems. Nothing to joke about either.

Call me crazy, call me depressed, call me queer. And then again, call me excited.

It's tomorrow.

My first interview in, say, 4 years? It's hard to say how I feel, hard to even put thoughts to words and make them flow. Feels like a two year old trying to say 'slappablelebility' five times fast (thanks, Andrew Tam for this single word tongue-twister - you say the darndest things.)

Maybe it comes from having actively rejected this kind of experience for the mediocrity that I always believed I was fine with.

What was I then? Jaded? Inexperienced? Afraid? Lazy? Maybe all of the above, but definitely not none. Why else, I ask myself sometimes, would I have procrastinated so long to the point where I was sufficiently ruined, and for some reason had no confidence in getting what I wanted even when I decided I really wanted it, retreating instead to a pretentious cynical indignation at the so-called stagnations and shortfalls in the leadership. Reflecting upon it now, I can only call myself three things:

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. That I should be the source of my own troubles is tragically so laughable, and tragically so human.

But times like these are not times for moping; I've sort of gotten up from these falls of mine, and I know that I can still say 'Hey...this leadership thing, it's actually a lot of fun!' It's not just talk in a vacuum: The obvious thing is that if you draw meaning from doing something, it'll be fun to you.

Though, Confidence is one thing. Ability is another. Desire is only the tip of the iceberg. I believe I have all of those, but after those emails that were sent to us, and especially after the Council Talk and reading a blog that asked that very question, I've begun to consider these rhema more than ever before, though it has bugged me many times before: What is it that drives my desire, that raison d'etre for Council that will make me do it even when it gets hard, even when I'm shaken to my roots?

And then, it suddenly comes to me: Don't I already know what drives me in those times? I feel this is something that we have all felt before; that pure joy that lasted a fleeting moment when we saw the beginnings of a smile playing on the sides of a person's face, a face filled with genuine gratefulness for something that we have done; that joy that rests upon us like a cloak of light before it is sullied by our encroaching egos.

As a person and as a leader, I feel that I should strive towards those moments - how much that we avidly desire for its own sake or for some selfish want lasts any more than we need it, or any longer than the fad or whatever demands of us? Not many, and the time for which we will enjoy before it comes a dread weight is less.

But desiring leadership and that power is not craven in itself unless done for the sake of itself.

I was happy during my time as an EXCO in RV (Yes, I'll always love you guys! =3). I don't remember a moment when I genuinely hated my job, and I can proudly say why: It was because I was doing it for the good and the betterment of other people. Well sure, the CCA record looked pretty cool at the end of Sec 4, but it's in the end just a bunch of names and numbers that aren't really worth in themselves all that we went through to get it.

Big deal if I exceeded the maximum number of hours for CIP. Big deal if I went for almost every major CCA event there was since Secondary 2. If doing it without heed to the hours was hard enough, I can't imagine how torturous it would have been to do it if the hours was all I was thinking about. Just mere statistics or the brief glimmer of glory could never fulfill us or make things worth remembering other than a memory of bravado under fire, even if they could ostensibly do justice to all our blood, sweat and tears, no: It was the people, the smiles, the thank-yous, the toasts, the fun times even through hell and back that made things beautiful.

It's an old saying that the 'joy is in giving', and it's true; cliches all have truth in them when you look closer, and in this case, it's not just a touch of truth; it's a touch of heaven.

So then, it is not too young to have a life philosophy at 16, Dennis. We're going on 17, anyway, and the sooner we take a stand the better. I want to make people around me happy, and so do you. Is that a life philosophy? It's striving towards altruism, which is humanly impossible, but does that make it any less a good thing? Does that make it any less an ideal? Does that make it any less a good philosophy?

No, my dear boy. It's not fully formed yet, of course - neither yours nor mine, but it's something to start out on. It's at the very least...noble.

Now I guess some thanks are in order, I guess, even if it'll be as hard to find as my blog (which is conveniently isolated - I'd thank you all personally if only I knew who you were, even if there was only a few of you). I suppose I'd like to say 'thank-you' to those people who nominated me - thank you for telling me that I'm not the person I think I am, and that I don't have to be: You all reminded me that I can be much more than that, and for that I am grateful.

Also, thank you, all of you who smiled at me whenever I did something, whether I was self-serving enough to ask for it or not. It really did make a lot of difference, and I wouldn't have the guts to even write this if it wasn't for you people.

So, I've really thought it through this time: Though I'll give it everything I've got tomorrow, it doesn't really matter to me anymore if they kick me out of council over my screwed-up GPA or my accursed academic-competitions codex.

Okay, maybe I'll gloom over it for a while if it happens; I don't know how I'm not supposed to or anything like that, because that would be far too out of character for a human to not be disappointed at not getting something they are hoping for even if they are not daunted by it.

And if I do get in, I'll do my best to avoid the pitfalls of falling into the same lot as the eponymous dishonest scales, which can and most certainly will come with the popularity contest (and I believe that this is something that I am justified in being skeptical of) that is campaigning.

Ah, enough of that, too much stress is what I'm giving myself for just The Day Before. So, this is, and will be, my wishlist for life in RI(JC):

I want to give everything my all in all things - I've been impotently jaded with slacker leaders (and my own slacker tendencies) long enough.

I want to treasure my friends and the people around me like never before - they're family, and they deserve my respect and my gratitude for being there for me when all my philosophizing seemed so hard to put into practice.

I want to really love school and learning in school. Yeah, I wanna love school, every single unending period of it, just like I came to love 'leading by serving'. To quote someone whom I am indebted to in spite of what it looks like, it's an 'acquired taste'; I am determined to acquire it.

And at the end of these two years, I want to be able to say that I have added some vibrance...

...into this life of technicolor Green, Black, and White.

So help me God. Today, tomorrow and forever.

Amen.